A Grief Continued

Sometimes, people who have been dead for years appear in my dreams. In the back of my head, the tiny party of me that knows I'm dreaming, it reminds me that they're gone. But I fight it because I want to spend just a bit longer with them ... even if the dream is bad.

My mother-in-law and me in 2012

Grief is a strange thing. The way people talk about it, you'd think you could go through the however many steps they say are involved and then move on with your life, giving no more thoughts to whoever you lost. But it doesn't work that way in real life.
I had lost grandparents through the years, starting from just before my twenty-fourth birthday. And I would cry. And miss them. But for the most part, my life went on. I never lived close to my grandparents growing up, so I was used to not having them around.
When we lost my mother-in-law a few years ago, it was completely different. From even before marrying my husband, she was a mom to me. I was her one-and-only-daughter. And when we had children, she became a Gamma. It was the biggest joy in her life.
I expected Christmas to be hard the first year she was gone. And we had our moments, like when I set the table with five big plates instead of four. And last year was maybe a little easier because we'd done it before. But, for some reason, this year has been tough. Every time I pull out something to wear that she gave me, or have to put away something she gave my kids, my heart twinges. Every time my children dance to music or say or do something funny, I wish I could share it with her and hear her giggle again. She would have delighted in their pleasure at the gifts, made sure we had all the goodies she used to make, and sat there glorying in the joy around her. And I miss her so much. We looked through pictures of her, shared memories, and teared up at a sappy commercial where grandchildren made a video for their Grandpa that included their deceased grandmother. And in some ways, it was easier. And in other ways, the grief continues.
A few years ago, someone described grief not as something we go through, but as something we live with forever. We learn to live with it, but it never truly goes away. This is the new normal. And I treasure each memory. But I miss her.